My life has been in sort of a transition over the past few months, with my work schedule changing, my sleep schedule changing, and basically just making time for things that have in the past been a challenge to make time for. And, though I like to keep the blog updated, it's been put on the back burner, (along with some of the housework, unfortunately) for the time being.
I'm still buzzing from last night. It may seem dumb but to me it's huge. You see, I've always had a fear. Fear of being noticed, fear of making a mark, fear of looking egotistical, and fear of thinking I'm better than I really am. And this fear has run in my family - it's a generational thing - with my dad (who has been a worship leader in the past) having dealt with the exact same thing. The difference is, though, is that I've been slowly realizing for some time now that the act of being afraid itself is where we've been going wrong all along. I've learned that it's okay to use and be proud of what you have with the right intentions in mind. I've learned that to base my actions on what someone else might potentially think of me is silly, so I've decided to just blindfold myself to my surroundings and jump in.
And I did just that last night. For the first time ever, I took the stage and led worship..playing and singing at the same time. HUGE.
I was nervous beforehand, yet as soon as the music started I felt strangely comfortable, as if I'd been doing this forever. I hit a couple of wrong notes here and there, but overall I think I did okay for a newbie. If I screwed up I was able to get back on with no problems. I stayed with the click for the most part. Most importantly, I don't think I messed up at all on the song that I led. However, no one said anything when we were done, so, naturally I was thinking to myself, "Uh oh, I totally screwed up and no one wants to hurt my feelings."
But my fears were quickly abated after some sincere compliments, and especially a heartfelt one from a friend who may not even know it but who has been a huge inspiration to me for a long time, so to hear it from him I was even more convinced that I had done well enough.
The more I think about it, the more I want to laugh at myself, because, really, I've been capable of this for a long time and I should have pursued it earlier (like, A LOT earlier..hehe..I ain't gettin' any younger..) but fear kept me quiet. But now I think it's safe to say that I've been a part of breaking that fear cycle that's had a tight grip in my undeniably talented family for generations, and THAT is why I'm so, so unbelievably excited, and relieved, and inspired, and thankful, all at the same time.
