In general, I think I’m a good person. I’m not mean. I’m not malicious. I keep my word. I genuinely try to love others. I don’t break the law. But, like all of us, I have skeletons. Some that I have forgiven myself for, others that have long since been brushed under the rug, and still others that continue to haunt me from time to time.
My husband and I were enjoying a lovely dinner with dear friends last night, and, as is common when friends convene, we started rehashing old stories of stupid things we had done in our lifetimes. A story of mine was brought up and we all got a good laugh at my expense.
For some brief background, I am not proud of the number of stupid things I have done in my life, and this particular incident was far from the worst. But for some reason it just brings up all the ugly out of me, probably because it happened just a few short years ago, in my mature adulthood, when I should have known better. And it is the representation of a handful of events that occurred during a point in my life where the thought of turning 30 scared me to death, because, you know, when you turn 30 it’s all downhill from there (another lie; my 30s have been amazing so far). So I pretended I was never going to turn 30 and I was savoring every last little bit of my youth. Of course, you are getting the surface version... things that happened then resulted from much deeper issues that I have since been working through and overcoming.
But when I went to bed last night with our many conversations still fresh in my mind and with the events of that one particular night swirling around in my thoughts, the downward spiral of lies began to flood my brain. Lies like, “I’m a horrible person. How could I have been so dumb? What kind of person does this kind of thing? Why should anyone respect me when they know who I really am? Because I did this, I am not worthy of anything good in the future.......”. After all, I am a level-headed, easy-going, smart, and gifted woman of God, and I should act like it. (Keep in mind, this "thing" that I was beating myself up over cannot even be considered that bad..just stupid.)
It was not until just a few years ago that God smacked me in the face with the obvious....that THESE ARE LIES AND THEY ARE NOT TRUE! SATAN IS A LIAR! He doesn’t want us to believe that anything good can come our way. He will do anything to prevent us from receiving all that the Father has for us, including using our pasts against us. John 10:10 says, “The thief (Satan) comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I (Jesus) came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” It took me way too long to realize this! WE CANNOT LET OUR PASTS HOLD US BACK!
I have done some stupid things. But I have still been richly blessed! So many amazing opportunities have recently presented themselves that, quite frankly, based on my past, I do not deserve. But God does not want us to be “good” so that he can love us. He already loves us, and He wants nothing but good things for us! Not only does He want us to have life, but he wants us to have it ABUNDANTLY! And He can use us for His glory even despite ourselves and the stupid things we have done, or will do. This doesn’t mean that we can just go around doing whatever we want because we know He loves us anyway; in fact, it is crucial that we maintain high standards for ourselves and constantly set examples for the people around us. But we are all human and we will all fall. The beauty of God loving us unconditionally is that the more we realize this truth, and the more we realize that our pasts are essentially forgotten and forgiven, the more we strive to be “good” for Him.
Doing our best to uphold our character is important in our everyday lives. But our pasts do not define our futures, so don’t let lies hold you back from all the Goodness that God has planned for you.
I know I won't.
